Storms
You know that feeling when you wake up after a night of thunderstorms? A sense of calm and quiet after the turbulence, taking stock of what the storm has left in its wake. That's precisely how I felt emerging from my last relationship – like waking up to the aftermath, surveying the wreckage and puddles, yet breathing in the crisp, clear air of newfound freedom.
As I reflect on Esther Perel's poignant words, "Sometimes, when we seek the gaze of another, it isn't our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become," I can't help but see the truth in my own journey. While this specific concept is depicted to explore infidelity in relationships, I feel it still stands true as we evaluate what draws us toward and into specific relationships. When I met my ex, I was broken – navigating divorce, grief, co-parenting challenges, and a deep-rooted fear that I was not easy to love or be with in partnership.
What drew me to him was the illusion of being seen, supported, and understood. His attentiveness and apparent empathy for my struggles felt like a soothing balm for my wounded soul. However, that intensity soon shifted, revealing a controlling, codependent dynamic that stifled my growth and autonomy.
In retrospect, I realize that I was attracted to the very qualities I lacked confidence in embodying myself. His success and passion as an impact leader, his ability to balance multiple roles, the healthy and admirable coparenting relationship he had reached after his own divorce - these were things that mirrored the version of myself I was yearning to become. Unknowingly, I sought refuge in his perceived strengths to avoid confronting my own insecurities and unhealed wounds.
This realization echoes the conversation I had with my client, Seth*, who found himself unexpectedly falling for his straight friend, Riley*. Seth, a gay man carrying the weight of shame and rejection due to his sexual orientation since his childhood, was drawn to Riley's vulnerability – his admission that he simply wanted to be loved. In that moment, Seth subconsciously recognized a kindred spirit, someone unafraid to voice the deepest human desire that he had long suppressed within himself. In addition, he felt familiarity in wanting love to be reciprocated from someone that was unavailable to him, mirroring aspects of the relationship he shared with his parents during his upbringing. It brought together both deep understanding and familiarity of something he had practice managing.
Our attractions often reveal the parts of ourselves we are growing into, the versions we are becoming. Just as Seth was drawn to Riley's embodiment of self-love and vulnerability, I was magnetized by the qualities I needed to cultivate within myself – self-acceptance, balance, and a sense of purpose beyond traditional societal roles.
The storms in our lives, be they literal or metaphorical, serve as catalysts for growth and self-discovery. In the aftermath, we are left to assess the wreckage, clean up what is ours to tend to, and carry on in a way that serves our highest selves. The key is to embrace the mess, the chaos, and the lessons within them.
Life is a continuous journey of shedding attachments, outgrowing beliefs, and expanding our understanding of ourselves and others. Each relationship, whether romantic, platonic, or familial, holds a mirror to the aspects of ourselves we are ready to integrate or release.
As I move forward, my continued work is to build friendliness with the part of me that found comfort in regulating others' emotions, recognizing that true partnership blossoms in the fertile soil of mutual respect, autonomy, and authentic vulnerability. It’s not just about acceptance, but building intimacy with this part of myself. Trusting that this very experience is guiding me on my path and toward my purpose. This very exploration will guide me, with confidence, to whatever is meant to be - in partnership, and in my gifts to the world. It is a journey of untangling codependency, nurturing self-worth, and aligning my dreams, purpose, and intuition with my role as a mother and woman in today's society.
No one in life is afforded a path free of pain and suffering, but our willingness to understand and our mindset can make it a hell of a lot more enjoyable, and more so, purposeful.
And so, I embrace the calm after the storm, breathing in the crisp air of clarity and acceptance. For in the aftermath, the path forward becomes illuminated, inviting me to step into the fullest expression of myself – a human rooted in resilience, authenticity, and an unwavering commitment to growth.
* indicates change of name to protect privacy of the client and any affiliates.
